The Definitive, Unarguable Ranking of Popsicle Flavors

It is hot in Philly. Obviously. It is summer. After the kids left, there were a handful of popsicles that were left over in the freezer. After walking back and forth to the hospital, I learned that popsicles are a fantastic balm to the sweaty mess I am after being outside. Last weekend in Scranton I bought more popsicles to get me through my time here in Philly.

As with every box of popsicles, there are good popsicles and popsicles that will stay in your freezer for years. Your kids don’t like those flavors..they get a little melty…they end up making the entire freezer sticky…they taste like ass, uh, I mean like sugary nothing.

So as a public service, here are the definitive, unarguable ranking of popsicle flavors. The good ones – hang onto – leave them in the front of the freezer. The bad ones, throw them out before they get lost in the freezer and frozen into all of the freezer burn that you don’t know what to do with. In my experience, there are four type of popsicles that are worthwhile. Here is truth – if I can buy it off of an ice cream truck now or could have bought it off an ice cream truck 30 years ago, it is crap. It is not making this list and is a waste of money. Take that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle ice cream bar and Nutty Buddy. Take that red white and blue rocket pop.

Popsicle type number one: the cheap ones you get at the grocery store that have 12 popsicles and come in orange, red and purple. First, the sugar free type are definitely better than the sugar type. This is an easy ranking: Best is purple, second is orange, third is red. I don’t like red because I don’t need my lips looking redder than they are. That leaves us with a faux grape flavor versus a faux orange flavor. When you have to choose, the choice is always grape. Easy ranking.

Popsicle type #2 – the push up popsicles (Pop-Ice) that you get in the blue box at Walmart 100 at a time. They kid of look like the picture above, but smaller. They come in red, green, pink, orange, purple and blue. Clearly, pink is last. I am not sure what kind of fruit pink it is trying to taste like. Guava? Strawberry? Watermelon? Figure out your fruit, pink, and then you may move up the list. Blue is the second worst. I do not understand the fascination with blue raspberry. All it does it turn my kids tongues blue and make their poop green in the morning. Third worst – red. Red is dumb. Third best – orange. We are getting a little closer to tasting like fruit – and orange is not a bad taste. Second best – purple. In a competition between orange and purple, always pick purple. The best – green. I think it is supposed to taste like lime. But the last time I sucked on a lime it sure didn’t taste so sugary. Green is a new player in this game – raising the bar for all other popsicles.

Popsicle type number 3 – pictured above – the crappy push pops that you can get in most Walmart type places that come in a mesh bag by lots of 25 or so. These are ones that you want to be sure don’t get crushed on the way home from the store – good heavens, do you know how sticky your trunk would be? They are a little bigger, and the kids must sit at the kitchen table to eat them. I see red, purple, green, orange, light orange, two yellows and a blue. There are some of these that can be discounted right away: Blue – is there such a thing as a blue raspberry? I am not a horticulturist, but it seems like some GMO shit. I am fairly hesitant. Red – there is always the most reds in a pack of popsicles. If a lot of them are red, it means that red is a filler color. They want to spread out all of the good colors and supplement each package with filler. Red popsicles are dumb filler. Two types of yellow – These scare me and are going right in the trash. I guess one flavor is lemon…? But which one is it? I am not taking a bite of each one to find out. What is the other yellow flavor? Pineapple? Can we please ask Lifesavers how they have made out with the pineapple flavor? I am too nervous about yellow. Trash. Light orange is hitting the trash as well. What the hell is that? Orange is fine. Don’t mess with me light orange. Unfortunately, green is going in the trash as well. The absolute worst flavor of popsicle is green apple or sour green apple. It was a bad day in this world when someone decided that green apple would be a better flavor than lime green. The after taste is awful, the flavor is awful. Are you hearing me, Skittles? That leaves us with two popsicles – orange and purple. When choosing between orange and purple, always choose purple. It is better.

Popsicle type #4 – Outshine bars. These are nice, however, they only come six to a pack and I have never eaten one without getting an ice cream headache. They are shaped in such a way that they look like pudding pops – and we all know the mess that pudding pops make (Nathan – you are making a mess – go eat that in the grass outside – and then use the hose to clean yourself off). Here is how I rank outshine bars: 2. All other flavors. 1. Lime. It seems like it has real lime flavor in it! It takes awhile to eat it because of the sour, tarty, whatever flavor in it. Far and away the best flavor of outshine popsicles.

It definitive and unarguable. You are welcome!

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