We Are Moving

Good bye Scranton. We are moving. I can’t believe we have made it this long – lived here for five years without knowing.  There have been good times and bad times. Good things and bad things. But it is time to go.

Earlier this week I mowed our lawn. Jenn and I then spent a half an hour weeding the back flower garden and unearthing the peach tree we planted last year. It was still there under the overgrowth. It is about five feet tall now! Mowing and gardening was not the best move I made this month. I was severely worn out afterwards. 

As we were weeding, I looked over to my side and saw this sucker sitting there eyeing me up. I couldn’t believe my mind. Or not instantaneously evacuate the contents of my bladder. Holy crap! What was it plotting? How venomous is it? How long has it been sitting there salivating over my ankles? Has it ever been in my house? Is my house secure enough to keep the snakes out? Can snakes climb stairs? How can I walk outside now knowing that sucker is stalking me? What in the world is a snake doing in my yard? How many friends does it have? Is it plotting against me right now? How come I was not gardening prepared – with a snake whacker close by that I could whack a snake when it is getting ornery with me. How many snake whackers do I need? That little dude is a game changer.

I live in a city because I don’t want to live where snakes live! I have watched enough Animal Planet to know what snakes are all about. They are about killing people with venomous bites and then squeezing them to death and then swallowing them to death. So you ask, how do you get rid of a small snake? Bigger snake. Obviously. But then you have a bigger snake problem. How do you get rid of a bigger snake? An even bigger snake, duh. But then you have an even bigger snake problem. A cat would take care of the snake, right? But then you would have a cat problem. I was watching stupid TV this week when I saw that jaguars in the Amazon hunt gators (or caiman). (Maybe that wasn’t stupid TV but freakin awesome TV) Jaguars probably don’t like reptiles. Maybe I can get a jaguar to take care of the snake. But that may give us a jaguar problem. I was talking with someone recently who grew up in South Africa. She told me she once had 10 foot forest cobra in her back yard. However, her dogs killed it before it could get close enough to eat her or her family. She had Jack Russell Terriers. Maybe we need a different dog.

Either way, we are out of here. We have to pack up soon and move to a place where there aren’t any snakes. Are there snakes in Texas? Are there snakes in Idaho? Should we buy a cabin in the woods to get away from snakes? Would there be snakes if we lived in a beach house? Are there snakes in Antarctica? Are there snakes in Canada? Is there an island we can move to that has no snakes? I could go on a HGTV house hunters show and buy a house based on the number of snakes in the area. It would be a little less pretentious than every other show on that network. I am definitely not moving to Australia or South Africa. Both of those places are infested with poisonous snakes. I have also learned from the TV that their waters are infested with Great White Sharks. Dangerous places….like Scranton.